Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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