Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
