Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
