thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
