I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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