you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
