There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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