The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
