I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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