Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
