you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
