So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
