Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
