Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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