Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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