first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
