One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
