matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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