Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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