I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
