K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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