It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
