U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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