I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
