I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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