i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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