We're facebook friends in real life
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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