Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
where does the pee come out of this thing
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
