I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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