I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
