The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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