The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
