Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize