oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
