im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
