We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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