I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
