Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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