Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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