I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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