WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
