thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
