Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
