the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dicks are not precious.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
