Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
