Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
