doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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