Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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