Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
