I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
