If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
