My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
