I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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