So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
