Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
