So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
