How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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