I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
