Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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