We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
