I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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